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This didn’t come easy for me at all.

Before I started setting boundaries, I was a pushover, and honestly that’s putting it lightly. I let people walk all over me and kept everything inside until it built up and came out as an outburst. I said yes when I wanted to say no, and there were people I was actually afraid to say no to because I already knew what the consequences would be. I avoided conflict at all costs, except when it came to myself, and I tried to keep everyone happy all the time.

If I’m being real, I still catch myself slipping back into that sometimes. I’m still learning. I still pick and choose my battles. Some days I stop it, some days I don’t, but now at least I see it, and that alone is a big step forward for me.

The real turning point was losing Nicole. That changed everything for me. I had already started working on myself before that, but after she passed, something shifted in a way I can’t fully explain. Over the last almost two years, I’ve really seen who was there for me and who wasn’t. There were situations and patterns that I’m not ready to fully talk about yet, and that in itself is part of learning boundaries. With everything that’s happened, especially more recent trauma, I’ve had to start protecting myself in ways I never did before. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t feel good, but it’s necessary.

I don’t even remember the very first boundary I set. I just remember it was something small. My counselor had me start with one simple thing, just say no once and stick to it. That sounds easy, but it wasn’t. It took me time to actually do it and mean it, and when I finally did, I’m pretty sure I cried. Even thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach, and honestly, even now it still makes me uncomfortable because it goes against everything I was used to doing.

The reactions from people were exactly what you’d expect. There was a lot of pushback and it wasn’t pretty. People got mad, some became distant, and others tried to guilt me. It was all of the above and more. That part was hard, but it also taught me a lot.

I learned that when people are used to getting everything from you, they don’t like when that changes. And when they can’t get what they used to get from you anymore, some of them simply disappear. That’s when you really find out how important you are to people. I also learned that I had been allowing this behavior for most of my life without even realizing how much it was affecting me. Once I started standing up for myself, people started falling away, some quietly and some not so quietly.

The hard truth is that boundaries are difficult, and when you start setting them, not everyone is going to like you anymore. You will get pushback, you will feel uncomfortable, and you will question yourself at times. That’s just part of the process.

Where I am now is still a work in progress. I don’t know if I’d say I’m good at boundaries yet, but I am better at recognizing what’s happening and what I will and won’t tolerate. I’m learning every day, sometimes every minute. What I do know is that I am not the same person I was before Nicole passed, and I never will be. People can either accept that or move along, because I’m no longer willing to sacrifice myself to keep others comfortable.

If you’re someone who is scared to start setting boundaries, I understand that feeling. It is hard in the beginning and it will feel uncomfortable, but you deserve better than constantly giving everything away just to keep the peace. You deserve respect, and you deserve to protect your peace, even if it takes time to get there.

So let me ask you, what’s one boundary you know you need to start setting?

Share it in the comments and let’s start this month together.

And if this post spoke to you, feel free to share it with someone who might need this reminder too.

Thank you for being here, for reading, and for being part of this space.

— Shelly 💛

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