I don’t always say this out loud, but I’ve been really isolated lately. And I don’t just mean keeping to myself… I mean really alone. Some of it comes from the boundaries I’ve been putting in place. The same ones I’ve been talking about. I set them, and instead of people coming back, fixing things, or meeting me halfway, they chose to walk away. That’s their choice… but I’m the one who has to sit with it every single day. Some people I don’t really miss, but others… I miss more than I can explain.

Before I started writing and sharing like this, I kept most of what I was going through to myself. I still do, to a point. I have a very small circle, a couple people I trust, and even then I don’t tell everything. Part of that is because I don’t want to get hurt any more than I already am, and part of it is because I don’t want to be judged. There’s always that feeling in the back of my mind like I did something wrong, even when I know I didn’t.

Opening up isn’t easy for me. It never really has been. There’s a real fear there… fear of judgment, fear of saying the wrong thing, and sometimes not even knowing how to say it at all. And when I have opened up too much in the past, it’s been used against me. That sticks with you.

When I keep everything in, it doesn’t just stay quiet inside me. It affects everything. Mentally, I don’t think clearly and I shut down. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. And physically, it takes a toll too. My back pain gets worse, my legs get weak, and it feels like my body just hits a point where it says “enough.”

But through all of this, I am starting to learn something… I matter. I don’t fully believe it yet, but I am learning. And right now, that’s enough.

I’ve also realized how much I’ve been carrying this expectation that I’m supposed to be okay all the time. Like people depend on me to hold everything together. And the truth is, I can’t keep doing that. I’m tired.

Taking care of myself right now isn’t anything fancy or perfect. It’s listening to my body when it tells me it’s time to stop. It’s resting when I need to, even if that means stepping away from everything. It’s knowing when enough is enough and actually respecting that. And yes… I kind of miss my naps lately.

If you’re struggling in silence right now, find your people. Your real people. Even if it’s just one. You don’t have to tell them everything, just start with something small. You are not alone, even when it feels like you are. There are people who care about you.

And something I wish people understood about me… I might come across as strong, but I’m actually really soft. I feel things deeply, and I get hurt easier than people think. That “tough” version of me isn’t really who I am… it’s what I had to become to survive.

I may not say it out loud, but I am lonely a lot… and my heart hurts all the time.

And if this post spoke to you, feel free to share it with someone who might need this reminder too.

Thank you for being here, for reading, and for being part of this space.

We’re moving through April one honest day at a time.

— Shelly 💛