I think people hear the words “starting over” and picture a fresh start. A clean slate. New opportunities. New beginnings.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes starting over means standing in the middle of a life you never wanted and trying to figure out where to go from there.

When I think about starting over, I think about all the times life has forced me to do exactly that. Honestly, I don’t even want to count how many times I’ve had to start over. Not just a new day or a new week, but completely new chapters. Some of them I chose for myself and some of them life chose for me. The ones life chooses for you are usually the hardest.

The hardest one for me was losing Nicole.

There was no preparing for that. No warning. No handbook that magically appears and tells you how to survive losing a child. There were so many unanswered questions and so many “what ifs.” Anyone who has lost someone to suicide knows exactly what I’m talking about. My sweet girl was carrying so much pain and I just wish I had known. I wish I could have helped. I wish things had turned out differently.

The hardest part wasn’t losing her.

The hardest part was figuring out how to keep moving forward without her.

That’s something nobody really talks about. Everyone understands that grief hurts. What people don’t always understand is that eventually you have to learn how to live alongside that grief. You still have bills to pay, appointments to keep, meals to make, and somehow you’re expected to keep functioning when your entire world has been turned upside down.

There isn’t a book that teaches you how to rebuild after loss. You just figure it out as you go. Some days you take a step forward. Some days you take three steps back. Some days you feel strong and other days you wonder if you’re making any progress at all. Grief needs time, but I’ve also learned that you have to be careful because grief can consume you if you let it take over everything.

Right now, I’m rebuilding a lot of things. My health. My confidence. My routines. My peace. My future. If I’m being honest, I’m rebuilding my life one piece at a time.

One thing nobody warned me about is how hard starting over can be in your 50s. 😹 I’m no spring chicken anymore. I don’t bounce back the way I did in my 20s. Everything takes longer, including healing. It takes patience, and if you know me, patience isn’t exactly my strongest personality trait.

What surprised me the most was how lonely starting over can feel. You can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. The emotional side of grief can be exhausting. Some days your emotions go up and down faster than a yo-yo. The practical side can be just as difficult. I remember after Nicole passed there were times I would suddenly realize I hadn’t eaten in days because everything blurred together and time didn’t seem real anymore.

One thing I never expected was how much I would eventually enjoy talking about Nicole. In the beginning, I honestly didn’t think I would ever be able to say her name without falling apart. Now I love talking about her. Ask me about my girl and I’ll happily tell you stories all day long. That surprised me more than anything.

If there is one thing this journey has taught me, it’s that I am stronger than I thought I was. There were days after Nicole passed when I honestly didn’t think I would make it through the first six months. Yet here I am. Still standing. Still trying. Still showing up every day. Not perfectly. Not gracefully. But I’m here.

Hope and faith have carried me through a lot of dark days. Even when hope felt small, I held onto it. I truly believe things happen the way they’re meant to, even when we don’t understand it at the time. Looking back, there are endings in my life that I’m actually grateful happened because they led me to where I am today. Not all of them. There are some endings I would change in a heartbeat if I could. But many of them helped shape the person I am becoming.

Starting over isn’t easy.

It’s scary.

It’s exhausting.

It’s lonely sometimes.

But it’s also proof that we’re still moving forward.

And sometimes that’s enough.

💬 Have you ever had to start over in life? What did it teach you?

Until next time,

Shelly Rand

Real Talk. Real Life. Real Connections. 💜