You know, I think this week I discovered that I might actually be a little bit of an Energizer Bunny. 😂 I just kept going and going and going, even while my body was basically giving me the one-finger salute saying, “Shelly, are you freaking kidding me?” And did I listen? Nope. Of course not. 😂 I kept going until just after 8 o’clock Thursday night when I finally said enough, went to bed, and was just done. Like, done done. My body had officially had enough of my Kitchen Chaos for the week, and honestly, I couldn’t really argue with it at that point.

I think that is one of the things I’m learning about myself. I can do a LOT, and sometimes probably way too much, but I’m also learning that I can’t keep treating my body like it has an unlimited supply of batteries. Apparently even the Energizer Bunny eventually needs to find the charger. 😂 I am getting better at recognizing that I can accomplish a lot without having to do absolutely everything in one shot, although clearly I still have my moments where I decide to test the limits and then wonder why I’m exhausted later.

I also realized that my idea of what a good life looks like has changed, and honestly, I don’t think it could be exactly the same after losing Nicole. Things just aren’t viewed the same way anymore. I cherish the people who are close to me, and even the people who aren’t, because I love deeply and I probably still care too much sometimes, but that’s who I am. I don’t think that is something I’m ever going to change, and honestly, I don’t think I want to.

I value the people who are still in my life and the people who have stuck around through my grief, through the good days and the not-so-good ones. Those relationships mean something to me now in a way that maybe they didn’t before. Life is short, and I know that in a way I never wanted to know it, so I don’t want to spend my time worrying about whether I’m doing life the way somebody else thinks I should.

I want to enjoy it.

And one of the things I’ve been enjoying lately is something really simple. Sitting on my balcony with a coffee and visiting with my new and old friends. ☕💜 Yes, I said new friends! I’ve actually branched out a little bit and opened my home to a couple of new people, and that might not sound like some huge accomplishment to somebody else, but for me it is. I’m getting more comfortable having people over, getting more comfortable letting people into my space, and actually enjoying their company instead of worrying about whether everything is perfect.

When I look around my home now, I can actually feel the calm life I’m building here. I’m creating an inviting, peaceful space for myself, for Sir KK, and for the people who come to visit. Well… at least that’s what I think. Sir KK has already claimed my purple rug, so apparently he has his own plans for the property. 😂 But I love the feeling I’m creating here. I love that my home is becoming a place where people can come in, sit down, have coffee, eat something I’ve made, laugh, talk, and just be themselves.

And I’m getting more comfortable being myself too.

For a long time, I thought I had to adapt myself to every person around me. I thought I had to fit whatever mold somebody else had created for me, and man, was that exhausting. I was constantly trying to figure out who I needed to be for everyone else, and it always left me feeling sick to my stomach. I’m getting better at saying no now. If something makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to do it, or I already know I’m not going to enjoy it, I’m getting more comfortable saying no. Maybe not always a hard no because, well, I’m still Shelly. 😂 But definitely a no more often than I used to.

At the same time, I’m learning to say yes. Yes to visitors, yes to friendships, yes to having people in my home, yes to sitting on my balcony with a coffee and enjoying someone’s company. I’m learning to say yes to the things that make me happy, and I think there is a really big difference between changing yourself because you want to grow and changing yourself because you think you have to become whatever somebody else wants you to be. I’ve done enough of the second one.

Now I’m trying to find the real me.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been enjoying cooking and baking so much lately. The old Shelly probably wouldn’t believe the way I cook now. 😂 Meal prepping? She would have looked at me and said, “What the heck are you doing?” Eighteen cups of rutabaga later, here we are! 😂 I’m creating recipes, filling freezers, experimenting, baking, running two businesses in my 50s, and somehow creating my own little version of what life looks like. I have come a long way, especially in just this past little while, and sometimes I have to stop and actually recognize that.

Now I want to explore even more baking too. More homemade buns, more breads, more things I’ve never tried before. I don’t know exactly where that will take me, but I know I’m curious about it, and I like being curious again. I like having something I’m excited to try simply because I want to see if I can do it.

Even Sir Kit Kat has noticed how much I’m doing in the kitchen. 😂 I’m pretty sure his official progress report would say he’s proud of the amount I’m doing and the way I’m moving around the kitchen. His official roast, however, would be very easy: “Hurricane Shelly strikes again.” Every single time I’m in the kitchen! 😂 I can’t even argue with him because he isn’t wrong.

But underneath all the cooking, baking, organizing, meal prepping, visiting, saying no, saying yes, and apparently creating weather systems in my kitchen, there is something much bigger happening. I’m starting to find myself again. Not the version of me somebody else thought I should be, not the version that had to adapt to fit somebody else’s mold, and not the version who thought she had to be perfect or have everything together all the time. I’m trying to find me.

And if you’re sitting across the table from me right now with your coffee, thinking you need to completely overhaul your life before you can finally be happy, I would tell you that you don’t. You need to find yourself again and figure out what makes you happy, not everyone else. Start small. Maybe start journaling, maybe track your moods, maybe just pay attention to what makes you happy and what brings you down. Notice the things that leave you feeling good and the things that leave you feeling like you’ve been run over by a truck. 😂 Then start there and make some changes.

You don’t have to change your whole life tomorrow. You just have to start paying attention to yourself.

I think that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m still figuring it out, I’m still learning, I’m still making mistakes, and I’m still occasionally becoming Hurricane Shelly and ignoring my body’s increasingly creative attempts to tell me to sit down. 😂 But I’m also laughing more, cooking more, baking more, opening my home, making new friends, enjoying old friends, sitting on my balcony with my coffee, saying no when something doesn’t feel right, and saying yes to things that make me happy.

And I’m starting to look at myself differently.

When I look at myself now, I can honestly say something I don’t think I’ve always been able to say: I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of my weight-loss journey too, and I know I haven’t talked about that YET. 😉 That’s a story for another day because there is definitely a story there, but right now I’m more interested in the fact that I’m proud of how I’m feeling about myself.

I’m proud of the person I am.

And maybe that is the biggest discovery of all. I don’t need to become a completely different person. I don’t need to fit somebody else’s mold, and I don’t need to have everything figured out before I’m allowed to enjoy my life. I’m learning that I can keep growing while still being me, and I can make changes because they make my life better, not because somebody else thinks I should change.

So if you’re sitting there thinking you have somehow lost yourself along the way, maybe don’t start by trying to rebuild your entire life. Start by finding one little piece of yourself that you still enjoy. Maybe it’s music, maybe it’s cooking, maybe it’s sitting outside with a coffee, maybe it’s writing, maybe it’s laughing with a friend, or maybe it’s something you haven’t done in years. Start there. Give yourself permission to enjoy it again and see where it takes you.

Because I think that’s what I’m doing.

I’m not trying to become somebody new.

I’m trying to find the real me.

And honestly, sitting here looking at the life I’m building, the people I’m letting into it, the things I’m creating, and yes, even the ridiculous amount of rutabaga in my freezer… 😂 I think I’m getting pretty close.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m really enjoying the journey. 💜☕

So, if you’re sitting across the table from me with your coffee, maybe take a minute today and ask yourself what makes you happy. Not what you’re supposed to enjoy, not what somebody else thinks you should be doing, but what actually makes you smile, makes you feel lighter, or makes you lose track of time for a little while.

Maybe that’s where we start.

Not with changing everything.

Just with finding a little piece of you again. 💜

Until next time, grab your coffee, take a breath, and remember that you don’t have to have everything figured out. Keep looking for the things that make you happy, keep taking those little steps, and most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the life you’re creating along the way.

Love Always,
☕💜 Shelly