I’ve been thinking a lot about what people mean when they say, “Love doesn’t end,” and when I think about Nicole, I know exactly what it means to me. My love for my sweet girl will never end. Just because I can’t see her anymore doesn’t mean I don’t feel her. I can still hear her laughter filling the room in my head. I can imagine her walking through my door with that big beautiful smile of hers. I can almost picture what she’d be wearing, hear what she’d say, and imagine her giving me that look when she thought I was being ridiculous. 😂 That kind of love, the kind a mom has for her child, doesn’t just disappear because they’re no longer physically here. It doesn’t have an expiration date, and it certainly doesn’t end on the day they die. Nicole is my daughter, and she always will be.

I carry her with me every single day, sometimes in ways that are obvious and sometimes in ways that catch me completely off guard. I have her baby quilt, two of her sweatshirts, pictures of her and things she made for me. I have Petals For Nicole, the fundraiser I do every year to bring people together to remember Nicole and our loved ones and hopefully help us heal a little along the way. All of those things are pieces of her that I can still hold onto, but honestly, I don’t need something physical to remind me of her. She’s everywhere in my life. I’ll be watching a television show and something will happen and I’ll immediately think, “Nicole would have loved this.” I’ll see something cool and think the same thing. I’ll be cooking something new and wonder what she would think of it, especially because we all know how much that girl loved her food. 😂 I still don’t know where she packed it all away! Sometimes I’ll hear a song, see something that reminds me of her, or just have some completely random thought pop into my head, and there she is. For a little moment, it feels like she’s right there with me.

That’s also the hard part about every new experience. Every time something new happens, whether it’s something exciting or just an ordinary little moment, there is that little ache because I wish she was here to experience it with me. I wish I could tell her about it, hear what she thought, laugh about it with her or have her standing beside me. Sometimes it’s something big and sometimes it’s something so completely insignificant that nobody else would even understand why it matters, but my heart notices that she’s missing. There are still so many times when my first thought is, “Nicole would have loved this,” followed immediately by, “Damn, I wish she was here.”

And then there are the moments when I actually feel happy. Sometimes I can be laughing or enjoying something and this overwhelming sadness suddenly comes over me, almost like I shouldn’t be happy without her here. Sometimes it lasts for a moment and sometimes it can hang around for days. I’m slowly learning that when I laugh, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten Nicole. When I have a good day, it doesn’t mean I love her any less. It just means I’m still here, and I’m trying to figure out how to live this life with my daughter missing from it. I’m not going to pretend I’m completely there yet, because I’m not. I’m trying. Some days I’m better at it than others.

I’m learning that there is a difference between moving on and moving forward. I don’t believe there is any moving on from losing a child. You can’t just move on from your daughter. She is still your daughter. You still love her. You still miss her. You still have all those memories and all those things you wish you could say. But I can learn how to move forward, and for me that means keeping on doing my best and living my life for both of us now. I have bumps. I have setbacks. I have days where I don’t feel like I’m doing very well at all, but I keep getting back up and trying. That’s what moving forward looks like for me.

Nicole taught me a lot about loving people while they’re here. She taught me never to take people for granted, but she also taught me that there has to be a balance. You shouldn’t let other people take you for granted either. That’s the part I’m still learning. Since losing Nicole, I tell people I love them even more than I did before, if that’s even possible. 😂 I tell people how much they matter to me. I hug more. I make sure the people around me know that I love and appreciate them. Life is too damn short to assume somebody knows how you feel. Tell them. Show them. Let them know. And while you’re busy loving everybody else, remember to save some of that love for yourself too. Nicole was really good at giving so much of herself to other people. I wish she had saved more of that love for herself.

And I think that’s something Nicole would want for me too. If she could see me right now, I can already hear her voice. I’m literally giggling and shaking my head with a big grin on my face and a few tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I know exactly what she’d say: “Mom, you need to get out more!” 😂 That would probably be her biggest complaint about my life right now. Just hearing her voice in my head saying it has opened the floodgates on this one. She’s probably right, too. I do need to get out more. I’m going to try. Hopefully before the snow flies! 😂 I can just imagine her standing there with that look on her face like, “Well? What are you waiting for?” And honestly, that thought makes me smile.

I really wish Nicole could see everything I’m doing now. I wish she could see Petals For Nicole. I wish she could see the things I’m working on, the recipes I’m creating, the people I’m talking to and all the little things I’m trying to do with my life. I wish I could tell her about the good things and the frustrating things and hear her opinion. I wish she could see the times I fall down, figuratively and sometimes literally, and then get back up and try again. I hope she knows I’m doing my best. I hope I’m making her proud. Because everything I’m doing now, I’m trying to do with both of us in my heart.

I believe you can eventually build a good life while still deeply missing somebody you’ve lost. I’m not completely there yet, but I’m trying, and I know it takes precious time, understanding and support. There is no rush. If you’re grieving someone you love, you don’t have to suddenly become okay because the calendar says enough time has passed. You figure it out as you go. Some days you laugh. Some days you cry. Some days you do both within five minutes. 😂 That’s grief. That’s love too.

If there is one thing I want people to remember about Nicole after everything I’ve shared this week, it’s her heart. That girl loved with everything she had. She gave so much of herself to everyone else that I honestly think she sometimes forgot to save some of that love for herself. She would stop and listen to somebody’s story, whether it was a friend, family member or complete stranger. She cared. She made people feel like they mattered. And I hope we can all carry a little bit of that forward. Love your family. Love your friends. Be kind to strangers. Stop and listen when somebody needs to talk. Make people feel heard. But while you’re doing that, remember that you matter too.

And if I could say one thing directly to Nicole about the life I’m continuing to live, I’d probably be crying before I even got the words out. I’d tell her, “Oh my sweet girl. I wish I was doing more by now, but I am doing my best and I am doing it for you. I am trying. I know I have lots of bumps and setbacks, but I keep getting back up every day and trying. I love you forever and I will never give up until my dying breath.” I’d tell her I’m still here. I’m still trying. I’m still getting back up. And I’m doing it with her in my heart every single day.

I started this week talking about how much I dreaded September 7. I knew it was coming, and I knew it was going to hurt. It did. It still does. But as I’ve spent this week talking about Nicole, I’ve also been reminded of something really important. Nicole isn’t only September 7. She isn’t only the day I lost her. She is every silly story, every ridiculous memory, every photograph, every drawing, every poem, every song, every laugh, every hug, every “Mom,” every “I love you,” and every time I see something and think, “Nicole would have loved this.” She’s the little girl who brought animals home from the sidewalk. She’s the stubborn kid who finally found her voice and apparently decided she had a LOT to say. 😂 She’s the teenager who loved her music. She’s the young woman who listened to people when they needed someone. She’s my daughter.

I don’t have to stop missing Nicole to start living again. I don’t have to move on from her to move forward. I don’t have to leave her behind to keep going. My girl comes with me. She’s in my memories, in her things, in the stories I tell, in the laughter that sometimes sneaks out when I remember something ridiculous she did, and in the tears that still come because I miss her like hell.

So maybe that’s what love doesn’t end really means to me. It means Nicole is still part of my life, even though I can’t physically have her here. It means I can miss her and still laugh. I can cry and still have a good day. I can fall apart and still get back up. I can keep building a life without leaving my daughter behind.

I started this week saying I was taking things one day at a time. I think that’s still exactly what I’m doing. One day at a time. One memory at a time. One laugh at a time. One hard day at a time. One step forward at a time.

And somewhere in all of that, my girl is still with me.

Nicole and Mommy against the world forever. 💛

Love doesn’t end. I know that now.

It lives in the photographs, the stories, the things they made, the songs, the laughter, the tears and all those little moments when you suddenly think, “Nicole would have loved this.”

It lives in us.

And I will carry that love for my girl for the rest of my life.

Because I don’t have to move on from Nicole.

I just have to keep moving forward with her in my heart.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… it’s about finding reasons to smile while the rain is still falling.

Stay kind.

Stay grateful.

YOU Matter!

Shelly 💜